updates

hey, it's been awhile, long lost conversation with me myself.
i was survived from 10 weeks clinical attachment, thanks god, but
another challenge is ahead. A battle needs to fight for another 12 weeks. 3 months.

I did push myself quite harsh during attachment, have no choice, is a responsibility.
To get good performance i have to pay hard work to worth for that.
I worked with bunch of people lesser initiative or should say, they behave on their own,
its just yeah, along the way u fight for urself, nothing much about buddies, partner kind of spirit supporters. its like u find ur own way to keep survive, if u able to success, great, its your own happiness, theres no applause for you, yeah, i guess this is what called society, and working field.

this really not my ideal working experience. what i thought at least, is GROUP. everything its about together, shared, helping, happy working circumference... fined, i m not capable to make any difference, cause i really cant stop my step anytime to build this bond, i will lost, i will tired, i will exhausted.

So i ended my posting at neurology surgery and medical ward. it was great posting over here. lots of learning opportunities, there are people lovely to share their knows. i gained lots from here either. i was kind of person in working field, or any performance stage, more likely prone to silent and blur, cause i was fear of disappointment from myself, i wish to behave and lead to silent. From last time i observed a craniectomy surgery and i was able to post back to responsible ward to know more about post-operation care for them.

thus i met a HE, that left a very good impression on me. He was so caring and lovely to look after her mum, he will come and visit his mum everyday even his breaktime i guess. and after work either. he looks worried and anxious cause his mother was lying on a bed cant do anything just like semi-conscious, everytime when we closed the curtain to carry out nursing procedure, he was so pleased to let us in and raised up his eyebrow with worried looks. this is the most memorable story that i will remember for this posting. He also the one who make me so courage wanna to approach to, but yeah, god knows that you are not my right one, so when i going to do stupid things, he stopped me. anyway, glad that i wrote you down be part of my memories.

so, i been homed during this period, homed with packed time. i did paid back time that i and haohan been missed. we are best friend, but without any memories that are we stay together, cause i was like her soul mate, give her all i can in emotional, be there for her. yet, when we together, there are not much od memory between us, caused we all been missed our time during schooling life.
when with her i feel so relax, and she is my energy bar to remind myself, i never be left out, cause i know she will be there for me when i need her. the weird things is the common topic we shared, really little, when we tgt, we are like yeah talk non-stop, but not deep down.  i wanna pour out myself for her, but i dont know how. actually been realised it isnt other problem is my problem. no matter with her with any best friend, i was always feelin not so freeee and that kind of poured out all. i wish i can, but maybe me was too bored, like my blog i wish no one to read, cause its a mess, very messy article, suck grammer, unknow feelins, self blaming, naggy wordss.

anw that day attended to sarany wedding, and classmates are all there, and i miss them so much, when met them, i was silent too, dont know what to say either, i hate that awkward feelin tho. especially ash hakim and renhe them, i dont even talk to them, we took group picture, but wihout any conversation starting ahead. weird. after event, thr r phenomen that grils one gang, boys one gang, fined, where should i stand, i stand in girl gang withpout my soul, caused i feel so ashamed that, we are classmates but worse than stranger, why we lost this friendship? why? since when? did i approve that? holly shit, i lost them.
yeah, i cant do anything, same things, i pull them back but i have no topic to talk to, what kind of this friendship will be, it will break again. nect meet up, next year may joyce wedding, can we be better or even worse?

i hate lose things, lose what i have before, the most hatest things is i never appreciate.