勾起

 于是，又是多月后.

于是，我想要的没发生，该发生的还是发生了. 

最近真的极度感触的角色，25岁往后的日子，既不是过着我向往的规划，反而却在我不向往的道路上不断的前进. 单身的我，现在工作为了什么？我好像少了一份坚持的动力. 如果有了家庭，所有的付出感觉可以冠上一个负家的重担所以我要过好现在，我要往前冲。如果为的是做一个很伟大的护士，我也固然把现况当成考验，一个通往未来的踏脚板。可我两者都没有. 截止日期到的那天，回家，会更好吗？结束孤单一个人瓢泊的日子，却又要开始更不平顺的路. 回国的日子除了和家人处在一起是我想要的以外，大概也没有什么让我留恋，让我想奋斗. 我也并不是为国贡献的佼佼者. 

留下，也许解决了生活的其中一个难题，但的确也制造了别的问题。

离开，回到来自的地方，固然没有后来的好，但也只是过着本该过着的方式，甚至多了一份比较心，但起码，在根的源头，我不会迷失。

挤不出的悲伤

 刚放完假回来 本该好好的开始 本该好好的心情

于是我变本加厉的容易烦躁不愿意体谅

对很多自己牺牲的事情 特别容易放大

于是觉得所有东西都看不过看

于是就快变成一个没有朋友的自己

于是我觉得收敛自己的脾气

包括以前做得到的包容纵容

为啥现在做不到了？ 

继续看不到吧继续忍着自己做吧

从小到大大人教的看到不对的事要说都是骗人的

我做了结果变成错的是我自己

我却变得异于常人的那个

这就是社会吧

大家都爱安静的人

我不安静了 就是我不合群.

这就是社会.

做一个窝囊躲在角落的自己？

我觉得我不会. 

哪天 我情愿事与愿违 我也不会助纣为虐

不要掀开回忆

只有写下当下，未来才可以回顾的过去，现在的自己才看到自己的蜕变和不一样
曾经开始这部落格因为朋友，后来因为自我谴责心很重，忽视了身边待我好的人，注重在不能陪我走最远的人的时间，到最后我谁都没有，结果我把我的生活重心，都转移了学会. 你问我学会里 我有知己吗. 好像没有，我印象中 我也在抱怨无奈自卑自责嫌弃中度过那六年.但在学会的那些年，绝对帮我的现在普拍了很多.

我到现在偶尔也会觉得以前的自己很好，喜欢以前的真诚，被人喜欢，讨厌现在的自己.但认真的读完自己的Blog 我可以如实地说，我庆幸我长大了. 现在的我 没有很好 但绝对有成长 和更好了.

以前猜不透自己哪来的这么多内心戏. 还有不断得制造隔阂.以前有好的人，有真心的人都觉得社会险恶。 李彦凌，看看现在自己的身边，你才知道现在的社会才叫多险恶吧.

过去的自己好像有点丑陋，现在的自己有点活得不知道自己的过去现在和未来的模样.但心里却一直有一个自己想活出的生活和模式.

回忆
有时候真的不要轻易的掀开，并不是看到过去的自己才会变更好，而是你会发现现在不喜欢的事情以前天天都在对人做，以前的自己就变成现在口中讨厌的自己. 更糟的是，现在的自己变成了以前最讨厌的自己.

某一天

这一天。 依然留着眼泪 走上上班的路上。

我没有后悔这选择 这职业。真的
我明白 这只是在成长的路上必经之路.
从小被保护 一路安康 一路好人相助
直到现在处处碰壁 处处各嘴 各言
我知道外面很多有心计的人 很多不把你放在眼里的人
我其实从小到大没想到自己会遇到这些人
现在遇到了心里会不开心 但我不抱怨。
真的难过 小时候开心的日子 不懂得珍惜 年纪太小 只活在当下 却忘记缅怀
现在长大了多了好多自己一个人的时间 多了很多要自己做决定的事
我真的知道这是必经之路. 可我 需要时间来淡忘对以前的渴望

我做着自己喜欢的职业
我帮着别人 可是 我没我想象中的开心

是我不够释怀 是我不断为了过去而盘旋
是我不放手 执着着 想过 快乐无忧的日子

长大 要兼顾的事
钱 如何赚钱存钱
家人 如何维系 开始带他们过着以前不曾过的生活
如何 事业上得到自己的站脚 找到自己专属的专长
如何在一振不觉的生活里 找到 童话中 那个爱我呵我的王子
更重要的是 把会迷失方向的自己 不断拉扯回来

我的脾气
毕竟成为我未来的绊脚石。
我知道的.

Adulting

so it's been more than a year, I started to write. or type. 

just simple update that. all my clinical attachment and posting was over. even my probation over too. I am no longer work at NTFGH. the current was at AH a new set up hospital. the story was this newly hospital need staffs, and other batch mates and I was told that we are the lucky ones to get chosen to be AH pioneer group of staff. so end up the rest of my 6 years bonding will occur here. it's about my future, my life that gonna happen over here.

if comment anything regards this, I would say I was lucky? or shuai? over AH slight different from a hospital setting, it runs under rehabilitation, either way, to mention like a higher standard of a nursing home? workload different from a huge hospital setting. here's about ADL's and if never improve you could be the left over. knowledge over here slightly limited compared to others. but the truth is at least lesser stress or failures? I know it's sound really no initiative and passionate. but it's not really my choice. or I could change but I have no big ambition and urge for needs.

anyway, my life in AH was still lucky, I worked in ward 11 at first, I met a good sister supervisor and my great preceptor Ate Nelia, she also news as me in ah but she did works 13 years in NUH in haematology ward, it's really challenging and more experienced and seniors. she treats me not so close but like a friend, we learn from each other and deal with each other, thus there are more good seniors inward, I learned from different people, I have my happiest time over there. about December, told that ward 2 and 3 need to open, and we have to split. that time said that the majority of us will stay together, ended up story different. all seniors get resigned or transferred, it's really left with little of us. at least all ANS still together, the most terrible thing is there are Senja staff who join with us, is join or combine or get hacked? haaaa, need time to tell the story. I am not offended. just when they come and change us a lot. We no longer run as usual or before, we run the ward like how they used to be. the attitude the working pattern really different. we trained to holistic, but ended up we left alone to fight. that period of time, I just passed out for 1 month, and I truly lost and need to balance my task.

but good things are learned something from gen meds to rehab knowledge. over this ward this is my another fulfilling. though still got a lot of patients will stay for a certain period and patients become our friend, but the turn over still acceptable. Those patients from the different age range and 80% of them the pre-morbid were independently and well. just bad luck happened to get to fall sick, stroke attack, traumatic injuries and etc. so the purpose of admitted was to gain back the self-care ability get and get improved.  I have a few cases impressed me. Mr And. he has suffered a high fall traumatic brain and spine injuries, as his father told me, at ICU time or post-operation stage, doctors and team told that to have mentally prepared it might come to the end of his life, or unable to get recover, but the magic did happen. he gets to stable and gain back consciousness and transferred to our AH for rehab. he was from a bedbound patient that needs 2 man maximum to assist in his daily living. now he discharged with able to walk in assistance, able to speak and eat. he is not back to what he used to be but at least he gets his second life back. being part of the caregiver, the is the most satisfying filling that ever had, and it melts all the hard times and frustrations that I have in work. that's a lot of stories about that but hahaha just skipped.

thus Mr Y. experiencing a stroke, came in with ADL assist. on the day he discharged. He was walking independently to home! you know how excited of my heart, I was so touched that their life get to have another new life, I truly understand that they can not expectable to back to normal but to adapt as a new lifestyle. This is the reason I am still being a nurse. I am not knowledgeable, I still can not handle any emergency situation or come with a professional decision when needed. or giving any useful and precious opinion, but I am truly wanted to be a nurse that able to perform what I mentioned above.

How many times I been cried and wanted to give up this journey. not because I failed. It's I am afraid to have a failure on my hand. I am so scared that because of me did something that I can't reverse. But who never failed while on a learning journey. When I vent out my worries, everyone told me not to be afraid, it's a faith, it's a must in this growth. Life has once, I have to be brave and acceptive. and I am adjusting.


so for relationship issues. I am still single! hey, my Mr Right where are you? Why you still missing in action? you lost your way? I need you. Earlier on, was a guy came to me and asked for the number and tried to talk with me. and I was a stunt for a while, I gave my number because I been begging for someone who loves me to come, and I am not sure he is the one? And I did wanna try. but I rejected. or I stopped him. If he is not my right one, why I have to fall in sick of getting relationship and never be considerate and fall for him? I will hurt both of us, and ruin our life. After that, he gave up. Obviously, he knew that we can't work anymore. but what if he really likes me, he won't give up so easily right? my heart only can open to the one who truly loves me from the bottom of my heart and put in the effort for me to let me step out and say yes. I will never say if never meet this right one.

I tried social apps, but I really can not swipe right, It's hard for me. He was so strange. I totally know nothing from him. how can we work? two people so lucky get along to each other, definitely because both of us experiencing something, and we found good and bad from each other.  My heartbeat raised faster because of you, my lips always lifted up because you deserve my smile. I rather being single, neither to become sick of getting boyfriend and break my rules.

Dear, Mr Right. All I want from you is ur heart, sincerely, loyalty, all you need from me just me.

A/w next update of my life.

updates

hey, it's been awhile, long lost conversation with me myself.
i was survived from 10 weeks clinical attachment, thanks god, but
another challenge is ahead. A battle needs to fight for another 12 weeks. 3 months.

I did push myself quite harsh during attachment, have no choice, is a responsibility.
To get good performance i have to pay hard work to worth for that.
I worked with bunch of people lesser initiative or should say, they behave on their own,
its just yeah, along the way u fight for urself, nothing much about buddies, partner kind of spirit supporters. its like u find ur own way to keep survive, if u able to success, great, its your own happiness, theres no applause for you, yeah, i guess this is what called society, and working field.

this really not my ideal working experience. what i thought at least, is GROUP. everything its about together, shared, helping, happy working circumference... fined, i m not capable to make any difference, cause i really cant stop my step anytime to build this bond, i will lost, i will tired, i will exhausted.

So i ended my posting at neurology surgery and medical ward. it was great posting over here. lots of learning opportunities, there are people lovely to share their knows. i gained lots from here either. i was kind of person in working field, or any performance stage, more likely prone to silent and blur, cause i was fear of disappointment from myself, i wish to behave and lead to silent. From last time i observed a craniectomy surgery and i was able to post back to responsible ward to know more about post-operation care for them.

thus i met a HE, that left a very good impression on me. He was so caring and lovely to look after her mum, he will come and visit his mum everyday even his breaktime i guess. and after work either. he looks worried and anxious cause his mother was lying on a bed cant do anything just like semi-conscious, everytime when we closed the curtain to carry out nursing procedure, he was so pleased to let us in and raised up his eyebrow with worried looks. this is the most memorable story that i will remember for this posting. He also the one who make me so courage wanna to approach to, but yeah, god knows that you are not my right one, so when i going to do stupid things, he stopped me. anyway, glad that i wrote you down be part of my memories.

so, i been homed during this period, homed with packed time. i did paid back time that i and haohan been missed. we are best friend, but without any memories that are we stay together, cause i was like her soul mate, give her all i can in emotional, be there for her. yet, when we together, there are not much od memory between us, caused we all been missed our time during schooling life.
when with her i feel so relax, and she is my energy bar to remind myself, i never be left out, cause i know she will be there for me when i need her. the weird things is the common topic we shared, really little, when we tgt, we are like yeah talk non-stop, but not deep down.  i wanna pour out myself for her, but i dont know how. actually been realised it isnt other problem is my problem. no matter with her with any best friend, i was always feelin not so freeee and that kind of poured out all. i wish i can, but maybe me was too bored, like my blog i wish no one to read, cause its a mess, very messy article, suck grammer, unknow feelins, self blaming, naggy wordss.

anw that day attended to sarany wedding, and classmates are all there, and i miss them so much, when met them, i was silent too, dont know what to say either, i hate that awkward feelin tho. especially ash hakim and renhe them, i dont even talk to them, we took group picture, but wihout any conversation starting ahead. weird. after event, thr r phenomen that grils one gang, boys one gang, fined, where should i stand, i stand in girl gang withpout my soul, caused i feel so ashamed that, we are classmates but worse than stranger, why we lost this friendship? why? since when? did i approve that? holly shit, i lost them.
yeah, i cant do anything, same things, i pull them back but i have no topic to talk to, what kind of this friendship will be, it will break again. nect meet up, next year may joyce wedding, can we be better or even worse?

i hate lose things, lose what i have before, the most hatest things is i never appreciate.

Geron posting

家家有本难念的经，在医院就是有着不一样护士的病人
有些人看似邋遢挑剔但却被家人满满的爱给围绕
有些人看似慈祥温和善良但却被家人遗忘一个人等无期

老人科一直都是我的向往
因为觉得自己真的很想关爱不同背景的老人
正如我没有本事好好的照顾自己的家里一样的罪恶
这一次实习我真的学懂了很多也明白了很多
虽然烦躁虽然很重复虽然很多虽然但是我还是笑着面对很真诚

明天是最后一天
我心里带着的是依依不舍
和一群人工作了一个月 说长真的不长 但说短 但却足以结交很多朋友
喜欢他们
喜欢每一个他们
喜欢我的病人 喜欢他们对我的疼爱有加 喜欢我对他们的了解

有一种东西真的一但习惯了 要擦掉真的好难
我还没好好的认真认识他们 一些就这样进入了结束
感谢 我遇到他们 重拾我的自信 感谢他们让我找到了自己的肯定
感谢他们让我学会了 很多要自己开口才学到的知识

感谢那个他 让我真心的想笑