Adulting

so it's been more than a year, I started to write. or type. 

just simple update that. all my clinical attachment and posting was over. even my probation over too. I am no longer work at NTFGH. the current was at AH a new set up hospital. the story was this newly hospital need staffs, and other batch mates and I was told that we are the lucky ones to get chosen to be AH pioneer group of staff. so end up the rest of my 6 years bonding will occur here. it's about my future, my life that gonna happen over here.

if comment anything regards this, I would say I was lucky? or shuai? over AH slight different from a hospital setting, it runs under rehabilitation, either way, to mention like a higher standard of a nursing home? workload different from a huge hospital setting. here's about ADL's and if never improve you could be the left over. knowledge over here slightly limited compared to others. but the truth is at least lesser stress or failures? I know it's sound really no initiative and passionate. but it's not really my choice. or I could change but I have no big ambition and urge for needs.

anyway, my life in AH was still lucky, I worked in ward 11 at first, I met a good sister supervisor and my great preceptor Ate Nelia, she also news as me in ah but she did works 13 years in NUH in haematology ward, it's really challenging and more experienced and seniors. she treats me not so close but like a friend, we learn from each other and deal with each other, thus there are more good seniors inward, I learned from different people, I have my happiest time over there. about December, told that ward 2 and 3 need to open, and we have to split. that time said that the majority of us will stay together, ended up story different. all seniors get resigned or transferred, it's really left with little of us. at least all ANS still together, the most terrible thing is there are Senja staff who join with us, is join or combine or get hacked? haaaa, need time to tell the story. I am not offended. just when they come and change us a lot. We no longer run as usual or before, we run the ward like how they used to be. the attitude the working pattern really different. we trained to holistic, but ended up we left alone to fight. that period of time, I just passed out for 1 month, and I truly lost and need to balance my task.

but good things are learned something from gen meds to rehab knowledge. over this ward this is my another fulfilling. though still got a lot of patients will stay for a certain period and patients become our friend, but the turn over still acceptable. Those patients from the different age range and 80% of them the pre-morbid were independently and well. just bad luck happened to get to fall sick, stroke attack, traumatic injuries and etc. so the purpose of admitted was to gain back the self-care ability get and get improved.  I have a few cases impressed me. Mr And. he has suffered a high fall traumatic brain and spine injuries, as his father told me, at ICU time or post-operation stage, doctors and team told that to have mentally prepared it might come to the end of his life, or unable to get recover, but the magic did happen. he gets to stable and gain back consciousness and transferred to our AH for rehab. he was from a bedbound patient that needs 2 man maximum to assist in his daily living. now he discharged with able to walk in assistance, able to speak and eat. he is not back to what he used to be but at least he gets his second life back. being part of the caregiver, the is the most satisfying filling that ever had, and it melts all the hard times and frustrations that I have in work. that's a lot of stories about that but hahaha just skipped.

thus Mr Y. experiencing a stroke, came in with ADL assist. on the day he discharged. He was walking independently to home! you know how excited of my heart, I was so touched that their life get to have another new life, I truly understand that they can not expectable to back to normal but to adapt as a new lifestyle. This is the reason I am still being a nurse. I am not knowledgeable, I still can not handle any emergency situation or come with a professional decision when needed. or giving any useful and precious opinion, but I am truly wanted to be a nurse that able to perform what I mentioned above.

How many times I been cried and wanted to give up this journey. not because I failed. It's I am afraid to have a failure on my hand. I am so scared that because of me did something that I can't reverse. But who never failed while on a learning journey. When I vent out my worries, everyone told me not to be afraid, it's a faith, it's a must in this growth. Life has once, I have to be brave and acceptive. and I am adjusting.


so for relationship issues. I am still single! hey, my Mr Right where are you? Why you still missing in action? you lost your way? I need you. Earlier on, was a guy came to me and asked for the number and tried to talk with me. and I was a stunt for a while, I gave my number because I been begging for someone who loves me to come, and I am not sure he is the one? And I did wanna try. but I rejected. or I stopped him. If he is not my right one, why I have to fall in sick of getting relationship and never be considerate and fall for him? I will hurt both of us, and ruin our life. After that, he gave up. Obviously, he knew that we can't work anymore. but what if he really likes me, he won't give up so easily right? my heart only can open to the one who truly loves me from the bottom of my heart and put in the effort for me to let me step out and say yes. I will never say if never meet this right one.

I tried social apps, but I really can not swipe right, It's hard for me. He was so strange. I totally know nothing from him. how can we work? two people so lucky get along to each other, definitely because both of us experiencing something, and we found good and bad from each other.  My heartbeat raised faster because of you, my lips always lifted up because you deserve my smile. I rather being single, neither to become sick of getting boyfriend and break my rules.

Dear, Mr Right. All I want from you is ur heart, sincerely, loyalty, all you need from me just me.

A/w next update of my life.

updates

hey, it's been awhile, long lost conversation with me myself.
i was survived from 10 weeks clinical attachment, thanks god, but
another challenge is ahead. A battle needs to fight for another 12 weeks. 3 months.

I did push myself quite harsh during attachment, have no choice, is a responsibility.
To get good performance i have to pay hard work to worth for that.
I worked with bunch of people lesser initiative or should say, they behave on their own,
its just yeah, along the way u fight for urself, nothing much about buddies, partner kind of spirit supporters. its like u find ur own way to keep survive, if u able to success, great, its your own happiness, theres no applause for you, yeah, i guess this is what called society, and working field.

this really not my ideal working experience. what i thought at least, is GROUP. everything its about together, shared, helping, happy working circumference... fined, i m not capable to make any difference, cause i really cant stop my step anytime to build this bond, i will lost, i will tired, i will exhausted.

So i ended my posting at neurology surgery and medical ward. it was great posting over here. lots of learning opportunities, there are people lovely to share their knows. i gained lots from here either. i was kind of person in working field, or any performance stage, more likely prone to silent and blur, cause i was fear of disappointment from myself, i wish to behave and lead to silent. From last time i observed a craniectomy surgery and i was able to post back to responsible ward to know more about post-operation care for them.

thus i met a HE, that left a very good impression on me. He was so caring and lovely to look after her mum, he will come and visit his mum everyday even his breaktime i guess. and after work either. he looks worried and anxious cause his mother was lying on a bed cant do anything just like semi-conscious, everytime when we closed the curtain to carry out nursing procedure, he was so pleased to let us in and raised up his eyebrow with worried looks. this is the most memorable story that i will remember for this posting. He also the one who make me so courage wanna to approach to, but yeah, god knows that you are not my right one, so when i going to do stupid things, he stopped me. anyway, glad that i wrote you down be part of my memories.

so, i been homed during this period, homed with packed time. i did paid back time that i and haohan been missed. we are best friend, but without any memories that are we stay together, cause i was like her soul mate, give her all i can in emotional, be there for her. yet, when we together, there are not much od memory between us, caused we all been missed our time during schooling life.
when with her i feel so relax, and she is my energy bar to remind myself, i never be left out, cause i know she will be there for me when i need her. the weird things is the common topic we shared, really little, when we tgt, we are like yeah talk non-stop, but not deep down.  i wanna pour out myself for her, but i dont know how. actually been realised it isnt other problem is my problem. no matter with her with any best friend, i was always feelin not so freeee and that kind of poured out all. i wish i can, but maybe me was too bored, like my blog i wish no one to read, cause its a mess, very messy article, suck grammer, unknow feelins, self blaming, naggy wordss.

anw that day attended to sarany wedding, and classmates are all there, and i miss them so much, when met them, i was silent too, dont know what to say either, i hate that awkward feelin tho. especially ash hakim and renhe them, i dont even talk to them, we took group picture, but wihout any conversation starting ahead. weird. after event, thr r phenomen that grils one gang, boys one gang, fined, where should i stand, i stand in girl gang withpout my soul, caused i feel so ashamed that, we are classmates but worse than stranger, why we lost this friendship? why? since when? did i approve that? holly shit, i lost them.
yeah, i cant do anything, same things, i pull them back but i have no topic to talk to, what kind of this friendship will be, it will break again. nect meet up, next year may joyce wedding, can we be better or even worse?

i hate lose things, lose what i have before, the most hatest things is i never appreciate.

Geron posting

家家有本难念的经，在医院就是有着不一样护士的病人
有些人看似邋遢挑剔但却被家人满满的爱给围绕
有些人看似慈祥温和善良但却被家人遗忘一个人等无期

老人科一直都是我的向往
因为觉得自己真的很想关爱不同背景的老人
正如我没有本事好好的照顾自己的家里一样的罪恶
这一次实习我真的学懂了很多也明白了很多
虽然烦躁虽然很重复虽然很多虽然但是我还是笑着面对很真诚

明天是最后一天
我心里带着的是依依不舍
和一群人工作了一个月 说长真的不长 但说短 但却足以结交很多朋友
喜欢他们
喜欢每一个他们
喜欢我的病人 喜欢他们对我的疼爱有加 喜欢我对他们的了解

有一种东西真的一但习惯了 要擦掉真的好难
我还没好好的认真认识他们 一些就这样进入了结束
感谢 我遇到他们 重拾我的自信 感谢他们让我找到了自己的肯定
感谢他们让我学会了 很多要自己开口才学到的知识

感谢那个他 让我真心的想笑

对不起

我有一个我控制不到的人生。或是暂时控制不到。
我有一个快要散的家。
我有一个在外流浪的奶奶，
我有一个固执不解温柔的爸爸，
我有一个已失去自我的妈妈，
我有一个已经关闭心房和关心的自己。

我，无能为力。
姐姐们说，偶尔会看到奶奶一个人流浪在大街小巷里，独自一人，语言不知道还相通，我听到的是心酸。一个年迈的婆婆走在路上，我是路人我看到责怪的是他的家人们对他的忽视，和不负责任。一个老人家在一个陌生的地方，冒险的是被撞，被骗的风险，随时家里会被警察联络上说我们对老人家的疏忽照顾吧，我在等这一天，家里的大人们才会正视这个问题。再坏的人，应该也不值得这样的下场吧。对不起 奶奶，我什么都做不到，对不起真心的对不起。

谁人有能力可以让奶奶和有家的人住在一起，有人照顾奶奶，有人陪奶奶说话，有人...
你的孩子们是人吗？
为什么他们都这样？外面比你坏的人更多更坏，但为什么你落得如此。
为什么你孩子忍心看你一个人流浪，忍心看你每一天对着四面墙壁 空荡荡的家独自发呆
想说话没有人懂 想煮饭没有人吃 想问问题没有人解答
一个人老人家这个年龄不是这样的。 对不起。

我 是一个怪物
一个不孝顺 不会做家人的人
我是一个不折不扣不被人喜欢的人
对自己的家人冷言相待掩饰自己不敢说的话
对自己的朋友守候不了责怪自己的隔离
对自己的人生迷迷惑惑不负责任的自己
我的除了对不起 我真的不知道能说什么。

第六话 6th convo

since the very first time can sense you are there for me, after all there's like no link and connection between us anymore. I guess probably I miss you too much and u no longer existing? Am I giving up? I don't know, I was deseparated and hurt. Past few weeks my tears can fill up a big jar, my sadness as heavier as a mountain, my lips dropped till my toes. I need fresh air to breath, I need some energy to bring me up. Where are you? You don't need me at all? Why I needed you? I'm sorry.

Do u know recently I recalled back of the him. I dreamed him. I missed him. How much I wish to hug him as tight as possible, never let him go away. The post dream syndrome been making me so Low and fragile. I need a shield to protect me, I need a hand pull me out from my illusion. I need you bring me reality. Baby, I don't want to waste any one more day that can be with you. I don't want my love and care and concern and everything put on a wrong person. I wish all that belong to you only for you.

As a strong woman we need to enjoy every single day that still free from controlling, free from being someone's else, no need to think about what can do better for you, make any decision no need put anyone at first place first, do as crazy as you can, play as fun as you can...enjoy every single day that you iblybbelong to you yourself. I know, and I am. Days go by, you still wish that beside you there are someone share happiness share food share time share every feelings with you. 2is better than 1. Those freedom needed by people who used to tight with a rope and stay in a box.

Recently, exams, assignments, presentations been settled down, and life strict to nothing. Life sudden turns so meaningless and without and direction. I'm Glad that I found my habit and interests, w/o it I have no idea how bad I can turn to, how shameless I can be. Probably, workout, yoga, jogging, Swimming, walking around, exploring loneliness been occupied half of my year time, and this half year make my life so meaningful, and very passionate. I can feel how youth am I, how proud to myself.

I kinda need more exploring on my knowledge, I wish I able to read up more news and aware of the current situation, find out more interest  topics, be a knowledgable person that it could be benefits on my critical thinking and the healthcare image for my future patients.

Being a year 3 nursing student, I can't wait for a chance to make myself serve for people, at the same time I do worry about my skills level appropriate to help out for patient? I doubt on myself. I only could wish I can do my best, never make mistakes that can contribute the a big complications, patient can have the best quality of care, the most important things is they able to have a fruitful and healthy life, that's all my aimed for my nursing life. I promise I will improve myself to make it as much as possible that I can :)

5th convo

hey yo,
knowing that i was sitting one of the boxes in national museum and doing my assignments plus texting you.

so bae, im wondering arent you just behind me, can sense the feeling from the fist day of our conversation, but after all, cant sense u anymore. but just wish that i will leave u a msg. i think of it, even i fine day i let u read all these msg, but u didnt even rmb that whr were you, what you did, and maybe u just normal like nobody business?
who knows.

just receive a text msg, and i read it with my imaginary happily smile.
one of my friend said:
yenling, we knew that if u meet ur mr.right, both of u must be so sweet and happiness.
thanks, i wish it too. that someone who filled mylife, and i enlighten him life too.

anw, recently was so busy, kind of like overwhelmed feelings.
final year project, assignments, group works, presentation, social, friendship, and my hobbies, all my time was so packed. can i breath a fresh O2 just so sweet and simple.
but i do enjoy. its just running out of time, i wish time could be slower down, and making it longer, eventhough it dragged the time that we can meet each other, but i rather to enjoy my study life first.


Do u know that, my video production was done, and it was done so beautifully tho it wasnt what i wanted at first, but it get good feedback! and people like it! through this group work cooperation, i learned so much, i know my personality quite hard to just follow people that weaker than me, but i learned how to put down my insistence and learn to listen and accept everyone hard work, and we shared, we amend it, the outcome is belong to us. not only me. thanks mush for ur video requiceit, for ur time for ur editing skills, thanks peiwen for ur script for ur ideas, thanks sumyat being a very good actor in this video without u without this video, and thnaks for my over acting and my drama brain juice, make a storyline, become a director. one of my milestone for this year achievement you know.

and bae, i got to pick up my work, talk u when i was free!

take good care'1

第三次对话

坐在地铁内，不断的挣扎于礼让 与 尊重.
是我忧心 我知道.
是我复杂 我也知道.

会有人觉得自己应该要被让座，但却从不显示需要
会有人觉得被让座，是太老？ 太占位子？
会有人觉得我没事我很好不要紧.

人性纠缠的就是那种让与不让的斟酌.

朋友觉得不应该理会这么多，有需要的他们就会自己要求，干嘛要自寻烦恼.


未来，想要好好的照顾年迈的老年人，而我又会自己在瞎操心什么自尊与不自尊，尊重与不尊重的态度.

李彦凌，我知道老人科很难，很多琐碎的事情，但你心里要着的就是好好的照顾各个老人家的身体！自己家里年迈的长者也学不会照顾，却需要靠着外面的感受体验让我放下执着，学会以心待人，而不是以故事待人.

这一天个早晨，我还没笑起来，那你呢.

你却会站在那一个位子，做着什么样的思考.

你知道我也自己有一个约定吗。
每一天起床后 一定要给自己一个微笑，然后和人开始说早安，来打开我的心情。
但是我每一天都失败，明明看似很简单，但其实做起来很难.
有人问我说，我怎么看起来 每一天都要好好的，其实自己给自己的能量很重要，看见别人笑着打招呼 也会点燃自己开心的火种.

1. 我有着早上醒来后睡不醒的室友们，大家一起笑不出，大家一起拖着疲惫的身体，就已经是一天不怎么活跃的开始了.但庆幸，一天的结束前，大家却又热起来，像烟火一样美丽.