if you are wondering who are you and what are you going to be, I m telling you a truth, it's you are making yourself living in a hell, and suffering from unnecessary pain. why people don't even know what u want right now, what u chase for right now, and you can bravely to think of future. hey man, you can't even live well for your current lifetime how you can imagine your future life is bright or dark, is success or fail.
I am such a dude to loosing the meaning of my life. While I am trying hard and hard to think too much and care for so much, I am wasting my time, my current has become a past. My brother told me that, you don't belong to current, u belong to next second, because while you are waiting for next second, your current second has become a past. Stupid, I said u lost your current and lived it without any flaming or meaning, you are not eligible to live well for your unlimited next second.
I know I was losing a lot and missed out so many chances to prove that I am a girl full of thought, ideas, courage, confident, success, why don't I just focus on one aspect and giving it all my strength and hard works, at least I have tried to grab something that is belong to me. Now, I felt like I spreading my limited strength over many aspects, and I delivered failure to every each aspect. Which mean I have nothing. Don't say that at least I have different experiences, nobody care for that. You don't know me, I always put my leg into a sink then when going to land the bottom to discover what's going on then I start to withdraw myself from the sink and left. At the end, I know nothing.
I do believe that actually I can make something special, I can create a legend to myself. Now, another big mistake make again. Over confident that to think you can make any success by just think and never take action! "BIG MOUTH SMALL BRAIN!" it's over a year and a year that having this bad learning attitude, never make myself to any changes, even getting worsen. What's wrong with me I really have no idea. Where is my beliefs, where is my insistence?
People said can't get to know me well, due to my dramatically thought, speck indirectly, pointless ideas, confusing action, like I am totally wrong. Am I. I used to curious for myself, but after that I realized the way of me have make me met a lot of failure and ignorance. I felt so disappointed and helpless and useless. I start to hesitate myself, I start to convince myself I am a mistake! I can't make anything good, I am a destroyer. Only I make myself change, maybe can get back people trustworthy. I am so fed up on myself, live without any motivation, always get hallucination on people judging on me. until now I can't find a way to let go of this negative mind, become I don't even trust on myself, how can I make myself to let people trust on me?
I felt hurt when people can't understand what I am interpreting. I felt frustrated when nobody willing stop for awhile and give me some concern and care for me. I know everyone has their own life and thought, no one should be told to do this and that. In this world, not you stand for your ideas then people will follow, sometimes it's just need I (minority) to follow the majority, And I can't handle this cognitive dissonance, so force to do it. My life doesn't have hard time, it's just all about what I don't want and I faced it, What I want and it all is not belong to me. Its a life cycle, we all know that and accept that.
Give myself some advices:
1. Speak directly (don't care too much how the word hurting people, sometime I m just confusing people, so STOP it! )
2. Give yourself some challenges! (don't hide, explore as much as you can!)
3. Treat your friends nicely. don't be any dick! don't be any betrayer! friend don't need so much, just need someone who can go through hard and happy time with you!
4. Love your family more! express more hided expression! tell and show them you love them!
5. Be yourself!
