about work

 好像，我需要一场很深很长的对话。慢慢的道说一切。整理出一个方案

目前，什么都需要一个说法的未来，害我不敢轻举妄动。

这个年纪，这个看似职场打滚很多年，但实际也是初出茅庐的我，

充满了抗议，异议，争取，容易相信，希望，等等等等五味杂陈的每一个possibility

 这工作，做了五年，同样的病房待了四年，被耗尽的精力，停滞了自己接触新鲜事物的explore机会，常常被问到，到底我的未来计划是什么，为了强硬给与答复，我害怕我看漏了什么，为了回答而回答，却忘了自己真的要什么。 

好吧，撇开私人恩怨，我先自己整理自己的答复吧。 

护士，一个我埋头四年的行业，这四年，我好像从来没有后悔过什么决定。 

而成为病房里的轮班制护士，成为一个integrated care model 医院的护士， I'm given a lot of chances to have the autonomy to involve in patient treatment care plan. I have fewer encounters with acute conditions for active case patients but work on chronic disease complications and health education for patients. meanwhile, I am a leader who guided my junior nurses in the decision-making and handling of their complex patient cases. I am a preceptor who train and teach staff who are inexperienced and transform them into ready nurse. I am a resource that staff with problems that will look for to rely on and consult with. I am also a trained peritoneal dialysis nurse who has a hand on real patients to help them with the CAPD and APD exchange. I have a skill that is able to perform VAC wound therapy, and care of patient who is on BiPap/CPAP during night time. I am a trigger code blue trainer who guides ground nurses on handling triggers and code cases when they happen. I am a trainer on SC needle insertion to my ground nurses. I am a medication team leader who has led a project that helps minimize medication errors and late return of medication causing patient overcharges on medication fees. I also helped to voice out how to improve the proper workflow on handling patient belongings during the inpatient stay to minimize incidences on patient-reported loss of belongings. recently, with a degree of nursing background, applications my knowledge to participating in nursing L1 lead programs that review patient general condition, and coordinate with multidisciplinary teams to work on patient discharge plans. 

Throughout the year by providing bedside nursing care, I was able to encounter patients with pneumothorax that underwent chest tube insertion and drainage care, even with double tube insertion, and proceed with the blood patch procedure. I was also able to work hand in hand with the team when the trigger process going on, I remember one time that an elderly patient had an abnormality from the vital signs but physically looked fine, not in distress, but we still worked as a team to do what we can to make sure patient is safe and out from critical signs. On top of that, I am able to provide palliative care for a patient who nearly dying and maximise their comfort care. With the privilege of a general medicine ward, I am also involved in a geriatric specialty on looking after elderlies. Especially on dementia, and delirium clinical pathways. 

Looks, like these have been what I gained from the past 5 years of working experience, that really make me feel so worthy and living as a real adult. I am dealing with a real physical life, I am talking to a real patient to get to know their symptoms and chief complaints, not something over a textbook for a template answer and I am giving the chance for error and failing to address their concerns. Maybe I just feel like yeah, I did learn above, and definitely, I can learn more in-depth from each diagnosis but to remember that I had years that not able to learn and explore new knowledge from seniors where the time I should have learned on my field, I was occupied on patient's care, preceptor students that unable to leave them unattended for awhile. Most of my life has transitioned to how to teach a person to be rational, and how to stop a person from being not thoughtful enough. 

AH does have lots of opportunities to grab for promotion, as long as you dare to voice out good things, and actively participate in all the roles, for sure anywho who has good communication skills will gain more experience. The challenges that left behind that no one remembers to address, included starting off my working adult life in a team with a group of people, and now, it is close to everyone who left the team and worked in their new place. Time went on then I only realised, my hands were no longer there. Everything just suddenly gets tough, because there are not much of people who see what I see, feel what I feel, or know what I mean. I felt lonely to get thing done. I felt not worth to work harder. I felt no more support on finding out solution. 

There was a time, I wanted to change the workplace, yet due to the bond, I had only choice to rotate within my current workplace, with not much of exposure, it is, but when you have a voice out to all the supervisors what they see is different. literally like everywhere is the opportunity, what exact that you want to explore on. I use to have thought, and now people questioning and doubt on my thought that give me a sense of yeah, am I really not having smart goal on my plan, but why would I have a long term goal while I am not really achieve my small goal by find the correct place that suit me in? 

I am a person that who wish to have explore on different aspect speciality to ensure I am giving a chance to know what suit me the best, but not just sick of finish what I am capable for. Get things done just a step of being familiarise with your comfort zone, I am pretty sure when place me into other department, I will start to show lot of learning challenges where people never thought that I would have their problems too. Stubborn on what I am thinking on, having slow time digest on what people have just taught. See, if I never go somewhere else, I will have never know, what I lack of. AH, the opportunity to be honest, I am not so sure what I can I comment on that, yeah, it come with palliative, there yes I am not really working in that whole team with palliative team, but I am nursing overflow case of palliative patient, if I am not equip with that skill, how it possible that the nurses is nursing the patient everyday. If the say is only a train staff came from palliative ward give the best care for the patients, then am I saying that is not fair for my patient who under the team but not receiving the best care ever? No, right, I still need to maintain my professional that work on the best palliative care practise to nurse my patient, and yes, it make no difference if I request to transfer to palliative ward for exposure. Next, speciality with rehab ward, a place where I from, a care that nursing just carry out ADLs care, and the key role to help in patient recovery like others multidiscipline team is more important, they advise good in positioning, strengthening, nutrition, communication skills, working on their discharge plan, but nursing are being train to take care of them, and follow instruction that given by other teams. Good to see a person to recovery from a sick, but yet the involvement of nursing care just make me feel like, I can be do big in other speciality that really achieve me working satisfaction. Next with telemetry ward, but trust me most of the time patient all is the same general medicine and come in with some underlying stroke or heart disease that require to put on telemetry monitoring that in the end still taking over by ICU staff to monitor the trend. Ortho case, same same, our ward with the overflow case, we may not so familiar to what the team style but standard surgery patient care we still manage to handle. 

Hence, one of the conversation and stressful event, there's new thing call Home NUHS. A speciality that totally something different from what I am practising right now, as a general ward nurse, more on task and routine, and bedside patient care, be with patient at all time for early detection abnormal symptoms.when patient not well just one call away to activate the doctor and the code team. 

I may not really know Home NUHS how it work, but I pretty sure it need more knowledge and skills that to think of a comprehensive of history taking with some limitations. And, also a essential good communication and collaboration skills among the teams to make sure the information is deliver correctly.  From what my strengths, that I like to be bedside care, but I really feel like current ward base routine has trapping in and limiting me to have a chance to learn from basic and also let me to give a pause to realise maybe I am really not as good as I thought. I may have difficulty like my precept, its just that I overlook it.  by this age of 27, working experience 5 years, I am a senior staff nurse 1. to all the SSNI that I know off, they have been working for 8-10 years to get into this position with lots of experience, and they mostly not only from one speciality. Sister S who from respiratory ward previously, and it make me feel more reliable when I m having case of patient with respiratory support treatment care.  I wish to have all these embarking in my resume, but not just a general medicine nurse. 

I am just a fresh graduate degree nursing, and I have yet to think of studying again, because, I haven't returned my knowledge from my degree. I haven't really felt the worth of my degree. Changing of something that I really not know off, like cardiac, ENT all these it will need to rotate to NUH with this exposure, to remember I am bonded, I have not much of right of this, despite all supervisor say they will do as much to support what we wish, and the next day hear of gossip about this by pinpointing the staff. 

So maybe put aside all the hate, I really need to look as a whole big picture to think of what exactly that make me feel Satisfaction and happy and worth for. 

Working wise, what I hate like most was preceptoring. I love to teach, I love to share, I love to guide people to think rationally and make decision and be confident. but in real life facts was, different learner style I truly understand, but when it come to attitude I couldn't stand. In nursing, while I am dealing with.a real life situation, why I need to spend so much of extra time to forgive a person who don't treat patient life as a life, and just being irresponsible to their own career, not work hard on what they suppose to be. I provide guidance, leading them, but their goal is just want to get pass out without going through lots of ups and downs, when things happen not willing to work on it, just choose to avoid it. I m truly having a big difficulty dealing with these students and staffs. That keep draining me and make me doubt on whether I am really not a good candidate to precept people. they choose not to approach me just because I am strict, this sound ridiculous right, and turn around they rather just follow with wrong instruction also not dare to learn a correct thing. Am I suppose to lower down my standard? no right, I change my way, I offer a better tone of guiding, in the end, what my return was, people take it for granted, thought that I can be continuously feeding them with answer and chose not to do anything, just enjoy with someone back them up, clean their shit. you see the culture, while I am trying to adapt in, to suit in, to modify it, in a return preceptee say that is preceptor responsible, and them have nothing to do with that. people just don't like to listen advise and correction and give a change. 

I felt like I really need to step out from this, and a position twitch, my turn to be new staff need to get buddy, and see how challenges to listen feedback and be better? I don't want because of these people, make me just want to give up on what my strength. make me swear that I will never be a educator anymore. that is really bothering me. 

so move on, my short team smart goal. I really wish I able to switch to a new environment to know what the best thing that suit me in, and if I manage well I will definitely want to study more and work on that area. but there's something that not my ideally nurse care, I will keep myself stay on in general ward base to work on harder on preceptoring and thinking of way to improve on ground nurses knowledge and standard of practise. meanwhile, work harder on grabbing chance to work as a quality nurse in coordinating care with others team. dare to voice out. dare to ask question when in doubt. if I continue stay in AH, I may really want to work on chronic disease management as this is what something that back time I m looking forward into it. if able to change to other clusters, defiantly I can't think big, drag myself back to a new beginner to touch on cardiology which some terms and commonly happen in public that I can return in future. maybe when I much clearer on what really suit me, then I proceed with further study again, but if possible, I probable just wish to stay on clinical. not back to office not dealing with paper, but is patient.

无憾，即可

 这一篇，是一篇我必须要暂时非常认真的写的文

再过几个小时，即将出发一个10个小时的路程的悉尼之旅。

台湾6个小时我也点独自飞过，这一次，异常的紧张。毕竟一个不熟悉，英文也不知道管用吗

但这就是探索世界。

大家说观念很重要，妈妈总是觉得旅行是浪费钱，但也有人支持旅行是开拓视野，行万里路

妈妈固然不支持我，但也没有极力反对我，事事做到有交代让人安心，我相信这才是最重要的真谛吧。我27岁，也不再是以前年纪轻轻那种背对着，瞒着去探索的人，我想，沟通，诚实，交代才是对家人的责任吧。虽然我掌控自己的人生，但是我的任性也不应该有他们卖单，尽管你让他们不这样。 

昨天去了一个营养讲座，我惊叹科技的增长的确帮助了很多人，从事医疗界，我的视觉是好的科技本应该用之于人身上，和帮助有需要的人，但确实是，科技的发展被私有化，被一些很注重健康和平安的人，占有。昨天的一个传销商，说了一句人每一天都需要摄取维他命C，你喝了吗，我身为护士，我知道维他命的重要与预防，我知道利与弊，而我选择不喝，不是我懒，不是我对不起我自己的人生健康，而是我选择了既来之则安之，和不多不少的活着。也许我未来也会病重，但我没有祈祷我不病重，我也不会把我病重责怪在我不好好照顾我自己的身体健康，毕竟我选择了，所以我接受了。

多少人花了很多精力维护自己的健康，平衡了自己的轨道，算计，安排，被打扰，有好的效果而称心如意，稍有一点的不适或者失效，随着责怪，疑问，焦虑。这平衡了吗。所以我的回话，很简单，知道自己要什么，投其所好。而我做了我自己的选择，而不是在为我的无知卖单。

目前的自己。除了高堂。除了还不算出色的工作表现，但是我的的确确称职了自己的现在的能力，我没在怠慢，我没在荼毒别人，我没在得过且过。我依然把手上的工作尽责，照顾好病人，不妥协，教好学生，教好同事，读好自己的书，过好每一次得来的机会。钱一辈子不够花，但是省吃俭用啥也不让自己去碰的，万一，真的有什么事情，日子没过上，钱也没花上，那还是真正的快乐吗，起码我快乐过。

那天看上了一个影片，一个女子省吃俭用了几乎所有的人生，噩耗传来癌症晚期。于是没有牵挂的害怕，毕竟死是必然，无救是必然，那就善用仅有的时间活得精彩，充实过，也不输于那些活到90岁但却宛如一张白纸的人。

我也想有家庭扛起，我也想为自己的孩子供书教学，但是连他老爸我也没找到，我又怎么会误入歧途了，开始一个无穷无尽不敢死的人生。

所以，要是我三长两短，爸爸妈妈，我知道我没有什么伟大的贡献，但我很想做，虽然我人生没有很精彩，但是我每一天都活的很感恩，有一天是一天，要是突然我离开了，那也是一切必然的安排，只是时间的问题，从事医疗界，帮助过的病人，已经让我觉得比起平凡一生的人，很有意义了。最后上班的这两天，我用我学来的知识“nurse”了我自己的病人，他们安然，他们舒适，他们减少了不必要的疼痛不适，我也觉得自己已经有所用了。

那些不舒服的病人我及时发现，及时治疗，预防了他们的恶化，那些善举，我也存记心中，我自己也很满足的觉得帮助了别人，我真的觉得自己不曾空白过。我平时也没少在善用自己的时间啊，我运动，做自己爱做的瑜伽，也有所成就，唱歌，看电影，拍照，录影，游泳，和朋友聊天说地，做到让人信任依赖的朋友，就算我离开，我相信也是好的一面存记在大家心中。

遗憾固然有，但我不执着，因为我会重新一遍人生，再几个循环以后，重启。

安慰了大家。现在，说出要是安安全全，平平安安，得来的每一天小幸福，我会是希望自己如何呢。这一趟悉尼之旅，只想拍到让我满意，让我付的起自己的相机价位的功课，哈哈哈哈，记录收集好相册内容，喝到满意的咖啡，过上了从容不迫的旅途。

回来以后，安排上回学校拍毕业照，回KL拍毕业照，顺利的话7月再去台湾和哥哥拍毕业照，然后出席毕业典礼。未来的满当当行程，都快一一的加入我的回忆册了。

要是冲刺完了这一年，明年我要想的下一个步骤，就是我的事业。野心解决了，就是脚踏实地。一段开始学习新知识的旅程也在等我的规划。走一步是一步。

独行侠并不是时时都快乐，他也想被做主的一次

 后来发现

也不是后来

我总习惯性的总结所有事情

非的要把每一件事说的很重，给一个分割线

但同时又期待火花

这自相矛盾，估计把我拖进无数个深渊

故事大概就是，我对于别人说的但我不感兴趣的延续不了话题，我说起不感兴趣的话题，不吸引人但又在期待听懂和感兴趣的人，于是自己都给不了人聆听，怎么会让自己遇上愿意聆听的人呢. 

今天看了一部电视剧里的一个小片段，女主总是难为情，不好意思，怕丢脸，内心戏满满的上演完了也许会发生的情节，对着男孩，没给机会的，就先表明自己的所有想法，甚至还自己做了所有的果断撤退决定，也没有给予商讨，了解，和聆听男生的想法看法的机会，男生勇敢的留着转身要走的女生，说了一句“我可以表明自己要说的话吗”，然后由心的说出了一切很简单的感觉感谢，多么舒服的一段对话. 

我也许真心没有得罪人，只是大部分的时间，我的擅自主张，让人不厌烦，然后选择了算了吧，我就算真的用心，这个人也不会相信，防护墙这么高，何必. 而失去了这个人，这个机会. 

十月的你，和我说的每一字每一句我都深深的记得，因为你教会了我，真的不要自己独白的演完所有，然后再断章取义，甚至自己独行侠的做完所有揣测与决定，给人的压迫感，强加的问题. 

虽然你真的也许由头到尾只是来玩，没有想过你随便敷衍的话，我现在竟然拿来当借镜，好好的做好这一方面缺失的我. 

词语之间

 我酝酿出了五味杂陈，有想要深陷入坑送死的节奏

我还真的是伤疤好了忘了痛，想要再一次尝试直到遇到自己期许的结果，才善罢甘休。

要是，我真的按下了下载的按键，我到底推翻了自己多少，路上的崎岖与碰撞，我还有权利去和别人哭诉我的不快乐，我的不安吗，我的遭遇吗。毕竟一切咎由自取。

如果说做自己，我真的觉得我想继续尝试，但是我做了一个我自己看着别人叫傻，自己重复的话叫尝试的犯傻。找上一个不让自己快乐，成长的人，其实有意义吗？我只是知道垃圾我也找不上，好的伴也好像没有要出现。 我知道对的时间出现的对的人，可是我好像没让自己好好的完整的让对的人看见我，反而我想尽办法折磨自己，降低自己的素质。 

突然我又语塞了。好像这辈子，我自己也搞不懂自己在说什么，别人当然也听不懂，也没有人愿意比我更花心思的读懂连我自己也表达不到的小细节。 

其实哪怕，有一个人，默默的关注我，洞悉我的一切，让我觉得我的一切有人愿意记得，没有义务，但就是肌肉记忆的记得我的每一个暗示小细节，我真的觉得我心愿足矣，我估计不枉此生了。遇上一个不为利益，只因在乎而付出的人。 

我想在爱里受伤，疗愈，我想被爱，也想爱人，我想让我活着的每一份每一秒除了给自己，我也想分一点给我爱的人，每一个人都有自己想守护，想就算牺牲自己也想守护一个人。 

我想要遇见那个没有血缘关系，但却是那个可以把在一起的时间，铭记心中的人。 我想要有一个可以固定的人，我想要一个我焦头烂额也好，欣喜若狂也好，第一个想找的人，而这个人永远敞开双手，对我迎面而来。