updates

hey, it's been awhile, long lost conversation with me myself.
i was survived from 10 weeks clinical attachment, thanks god, but
another challenge is ahead. A battle needs to fight for another 12 weeks. 3 months.

I did push myself quite harsh during attachment, have no choice, is a responsibility.
To get good performance i have to pay hard work to worth for that.
I worked with bunch of people lesser initiative or should say, they behave on their own,
its just yeah, along the way u fight for urself, nothing much about buddies, partner kind of spirit supporters. its like u find ur own way to keep survive, if u able to success, great, its your own happiness, theres no applause for you, yeah, i guess this is what called society, and working field.

this really not my ideal working experience. what i thought at least, is GROUP. everything its about together, shared, helping, happy working circumference... fined, i m not capable to make any difference, cause i really cant stop my step anytime to build this bond, i will lost, i will tired, i will exhausted.

So i ended my posting at neurology surgery and medical ward. it was great posting over here. lots of learning opportunities, there are people lovely to share their knows. i gained lots from here either. i was kind of person in working field, or any performance stage, more likely prone to silent and blur, cause i was fear of disappointment from myself, i wish to behave and lead to silent. From last time i observed a craniectomy surgery and i was able to post back to responsible ward to know more about post-operation care for them.

thus i met a HE, that left a very good impression on me. He was so caring and lovely to look after her mum, he will come and visit his mum everyday even his breaktime i guess. and after work either. he looks worried and anxious cause his mother was lying on a bed cant do anything just like semi-conscious, everytime when we closed the curtain to carry out nursing procedure, he was so pleased to let us in and raised up his eyebrow with worried looks. this is the most memorable story that i will remember for this posting. He also the one who make me so courage wanna to approach to, but yeah, god knows that you are not my right one, so when i going to do stupid things, he stopped me. anyway, glad that i wrote you down be part of my memories.

so, i been homed during this period, homed with packed time. i did paid back time that i and haohan been missed. we are best friend, but without any memories that are we stay together, cause i was like her soul mate, give her all i can in emotional, be there for her. yet, when we together, there are not much od memory between us, caused we all been missed our time during schooling life.
when with her i feel so relax, and she is my energy bar to remind myself, i never be left out, cause i know she will be there for me when i need her. the weird things is the common topic we shared, really little, when we tgt, we are like yeah talk non-stop, but not deep down.  i wanna pour out myself for her, but i dont know how. actually been realised it isnt other problem is my problem. no matter with her with any best friend, i was always feelin not so freeee and that kind of poured out all. i wish i can, but maybe me was too bored, like my blog i wish no one to read, cause its a mess, very messy article, suck grammer, unknow feelins, self blaming, naggy wordss.

anw that day attended to sarany wedding, and classmates are all there, and i miss them so much, when met them, i was silent too, dont know what to say either, i hate that awkward feelin tho. especially ash hakim and renhe them, i dont even talk to them, we took group picture, but wihout any conversation starting ahead. weird. after event, thr r phenomen that grils one gang, boys one gang, fined, where should i stand, i stand in girl gang withpout my soul, caused i feel so ashamed that, we are classmates but worse than stranger, why we lost this friendship? why? since when? did i approve that? holly shit, i lost them.
yeah, i cant do anything, same things, i pull them back but i have no topic to talk to, what kind of this friendship will be, it will break again. nect meet up, next year may joyce wedding, can we be better or even worse?

i hate lose things, lose what i have before, the most hatest things is i never appreciate.

Geron posting

家家有本难念的经，在医院就是有着不一样护士的病人
有些人看似邋遢挑剔但却被家人满满的爱给围绕
有些人看似慈祥温和善良但却被家人遗忘一个人等无期

老人科一直都是我的向往
因为觉得自己真的很想关爱不同背景的老人
正如我没有本事好好的照顾自己的家里一样的罪恶
这一次实习我真的学懂了很多也明白了很多
虽然烦躁虽然很重复虽然很多虽然但是我还是笑着面对很真诚

明天是最后一天
我心里带着的是依依不舍
和一群人工作了一个月 说长真的不长 但说短 但却足以结交很多朋友
喜欢他们
喜欢每一个他们
喜欢我的病人 喜欢他们对我的疼爱有加 喜欢我对他们的了解

有一种东西真的一但习惯了 要擦掉真的好难
我还没好好的认真认识他们 一些就这样进入了结束
感谢 我遇到他们 重拾我的自信 感谢他们让我找到了自己的肯定
感谢他们让我学会了 很多要自己开口才学到的知识

感谢那个他 让我真心的想笑

对不起

我有一个我控制不到的人生。或是暂时控制不到。
我有一个快要散的家。
我有一个在外流浪的奶奶，
我有一个固执不解温柔的爸爸，
我有一个已失去自我的妈妈，
我有一个已经关闭心房和关心的自己。

我，无能为力。
姐姐们说，偶尔会看到奶奶一个人流浪在大街小巷里，独自一人，语言不知道还相通，我听到的是心酸。一个年迈的婆婆走在路上，我是路人我看到责怪的是他的家人们对他的忽视，和不负责任。一个老人家在一个陌生的地方，冒险的是被撞，被骗的风险，随时家里会被警察联络上说我们对老人家的疏忽照顾吧，我在等这一天，家里的大人们才会正视这个问题。再坏的人，应该也不值得这样的下场吧。对不起 奶奶，我什么都做不到，对不起真心的对不起。

谁人有能力可以让奶奶和有家的人住在一起，有人照顾奶奶，有人陪奶奶说话，有人...
你的孩子们是人吗？
为什么他们都这样？外面比你坏的人更多更坏，但为什么你落得如此。
为什么你孩子忍心看你一个人流浪，忍心看你每一天对着四面墙壁 空荡荡的家独自发呆
想说话没有人懂 想煮饭没有人吃 想问问题没有人解答
一个人老人家这个年龄不是这样的。 对不起。

我 是一个怪物
一个不孝顺 不会做家人的人
我是一个不折不扣不被人喜欢的人
对自己的家人冷言相待掩饰自己不敢说的话
对自己的朋友守候不了责怪自己的隔离
对自己的人生迷迷惑惑不负责任的自己
我的除了对不起 我真的不知道能说什么。

第六话 6th convo

since the very first time can sense you are there for me, after all there's like no link and connection between us anymore. I guess probably I miss you too much and u no longer existing? Am I giving up? I don't know, I was deseparated and hurt. Past few weeks my tears can fill up a big jar, my sadness as heavier as a mountain, my lips dropped till my toes. I need fresh air to breath, I need some energy to bring me up. Where are you? You don't need me at all? Why I needed you? I'm sorry.

Do u know recently I recalled back of the him. I dreamed him. I missed him. How much I wish to hug him as tight as possible, never let him go away. The post dream syndrome been making me so Low and fragile. I need a shield to protect me, I need a hand pull me out from my illusion. I need you bring me reality. Baby, I don't want to waste any one more day that can be with you. I don't want my love and care and concern and everything put on a wrong person. I wish all that belong to you only for you.

As a strong woman we need to enjoy every single day that still free from controlling, free from being someone's else, no need to think about what can do better for you, make any decision no need put anyone at first place first, do as crazy as you can, play as fun as you can...enjoy every single day that you iblybbelong to you yourself. I know, and I am. Days go by, you still wish that beside you there are someone share happiness share food share time share every feelings with you. 2is better than 1. Those freedom needed by people who used to tight with a rope and stay in a box.

Recently, exams, assignments, presentations been settled down, and life strict to nothing. Life sudden turns so meaningless and without and direction. I'm Glad that I found my habit and interests, w/o it I have no idea how bad I can turn to, how shameless I can be. Probably, workout, yoga, jogging, Swimming, walking around, exploring loneliness been occupied half of my year time, and this half year make my life so meaningful, and very passionate. I can feel how youth am I, how proud to myself.

I kinda need more exploring on my knowledge, I wish I able to read up more news and aware of the current situation, find out more interest  topics, be a knowledgable person that it could be benefits on my critical thinking and the healthcare image for my future patients.

Being a year 3 nursing student, I can't wait for a chance to make myself serve for people, at the same time I do worry about my skills level appropriate to help out for patient? I doubt on myself. I only could wish I can do my best, never make mistakes that can contribute the a big complications, patient can have the best quality of care, the most important things is they able to have a fruitful and healthy life, that's all my aimed for my nursing life. I promise I will improve myself to make it as much as possible that I can :)

5th convo

hey yo,
knowing that i was sitting one of the boxes in national museum and doing my assignments plus texting you.

so bae, im wondering arent you just behind me, can sense the feeling from the fist day of our conversation, but after all, cant sense u anymore. but just wish that i will leave u a msg. i think of it, even i fine day i let u read all these msg, but u didnt even rmb that whr were you, what you did, and maybe u just normal like nobody business?
who knows.

just receive a text msg, and i read it with my imaginary happily smile.
one of my friend said:
yenling, we knew that if u meet ur mr.right, both of u must be so sweet and happiness.
thanks, i wish it too. that someone who filled mylife, and i enlighten him life too.

anw, recently was so busy, kind of like overwhelmed feelings.
final year project, assignments, group works, presentation, social, friendship, and my hobbies, all my time was so packed. can i breath a fresh O2 just so sweet and simple.
but i do enjoy. its just running out of time, i wish time could be slower down, and making it longer, eventhough it dragged the time that we can meet each other, but i rather to enjoy my study life first.


Do u know that, my video production was done, and it was done so beautifully tho it wasnt what i wanted at first, but it get good feedback! and people like it! through this group work cooperation, i learned so much, i know my personality quite hard to just follow people that weaker than me, but i learned how to put down my insistence and learn to listen and accept everyone hard work, and we shared, we amend it, the outcome is belong to us. not only me. thanks mush for ur video requiceit, for ur time for ur editing skills, thanks peiwen for ur script for ur ideas, thanks sumyat being a very good actor in this video without u without this video, and thnaks for my over acting and my drama brain juice, make a storyline, become a director. one of my milestone for this year achievement you know.

and bae, i got to pick up my work, talk u when i was free!

take good care'1

第三次对话

坐在地铁内，不断的挣扎于礼让 与 尊重.
是我忧心 我知道.
是我复杂 我也知道.

会有人觉得自己应该要被让座，但却从不显示需要
会有人觉得被让座，是太老？ 太占位子？
会有人觉得我没事我很好不要紧.

人性纠缠的就是那种让与不让的斟酌.

朋友觉得不应该理会这么多，有需要的他们就会自己要求，干嘛要自寻烦恼.


未来，想要好好的照顾年迈的老年人，而我又会自己在瞎操心什么自尊与不自尊，尊重与不尊重的态度.

李彦凌，我知道老人科很难，很多琐碎的事情，但你心里要着的就是好好的照顾各个老人家的身体！自己家里年迈的长者也学不会照顾，却需要靠着外面的感受体验让我放下执着，学会以心待人，而不是以故事待人.

这一天个早晨，我还没笑起来，那你呢.

你却会站在那一个位子，做着什么样的思考.

你知道我也自己有一个约定吗。
每一天起床后 一定要给自己一个微笑，然后和人开始说早安，来打开我的心情。
但是我每一天都失败，明明看似很简单，但其实做起来很难.
有人问我说，我怎么看起来 每一天都要好好的，其实自己给自己的能量很重要，看见别人笑着打招呼 也会点燃自己开心的火种.

1. 我有着早上醒来后睡不醒的室友们，大家一起笑不出，大家一起拖着疲惫的身体，就已经是一天不怎么活跃的开始了.但庆幸，一天的结束前，大家却又热起来，像烟火一样美丽.

第二次对话

醒来后，想和你说句的强烈感不存在.

人生，好像真的还蛮需要有自己的规划 做一些事情，但可以实践的时候，却也需要过去所累积的经验，经济，和胆量.
对于未来虽然憧憬，虽然充满着很多不知道，
但我还是会偷偷的贪心的想一想.

我想说世界那么大的我这一生一定不能每一个地方也到的了，万一以后什么冬瓜豆腐发生了，经济有了问题，其实出国寻找一些会爱上的地方 也成了奢侈.

也许 我要的不是很多，但却很奢望.
很想很想：
到一个山谷，在一个清澈的 湖流里自由遨游. 身体练得不错也许是时候来个水中瑜伽 😜
到一个清澈，浅碧绿的海边 携手走过多少个夕阳.
到一个小小乡村，看看云，看看星，饲养动物，烹调着新鲜的蔬果.
到一个 会让人放心 开心 自由 爱笑的地方，做一个好好的反省.

再续.

现在还年轻，还可以谈梦。
有能力的时候就尽力的让自己有目标一些，
起码到哪一天真的能实现也会感激自己.

第一次对话

那个，以后和我走完我下半辈子的你，在干嘛。
突然心里寒了一下，你是否在经历一些很刻骨铭心的事情？
我好想认识你，或是说早点认识你，早点懂你，早点进入你的世界。
我们的人生都不是很长，但在等待相遇的那一天，却也耗掉了一大堆可以保护彼此的时间。
我想更懂你，我想珍惜每一个可以看到你的日子，
不知道你是谁，但，当你出现，我一定会好好爱你。
起码我现在是爱着那个未知。
起码我会想念你。
起码我会惦记着你现在开心难过，自暴自弃还是拼命的努力达成目标。

我想告诉你，我现在好难过好挣扎，
一种感觉就是知道可以尽力，但却使不出任何的力量往前走。
如果你在，是否可以瞪着我，要我完成我的事情才可以让我躺在你的肩膀上，
是否我努力到我自己也满意了，你才允许我被你抱在怀里。

我的世界怎样都放不进朋友可以帮你做的事情。
我很多很多自己，很多小动作，一直一直都在等你出现了才可以做。
当我自己在原地踱步，却不想被人看见的懦弱，我只想让你看见。
当我很狡猾的在做一些自己知道的白痴事情，我只想逗笑的人是你。
当我想做自己想做的事情的时候，你会是那个和我志同道合的人。

我真的好想知道我们会如何相遇。
我会讨厌你吗？
我会一眼就很喜欢你了吗？
你会让我仰慕，支持你吗？

想在你每一孤单的时候，陪着你，做你的那个专属。
偶尔做一下那个让你朋友羡慕的女朋友，
偶尔做一下让你生气但却心疼的野蛮女友，
偶尔做一个你不说话但却在你身边把你安抚下来的治愈者

你在哪里。
如果我知道了。
一定奋不顾身的出现。

我的人生是有很多很完美的事情可以去做。
但我这一生投胎了做了李彦凌，而这个角色，
却只想找到你，做那个属于你的他，尽力地爱着你，
尽力的和你数数人生的每一天。

不是没有大志，
我只想我的所有你可以参与，
你的起起落落我也在你身边。

我要的不只是和你共享结果，
我更想和你共患难。

我的你，我爱你。

我的你，一定要好好的等到我们相遇的那一天好吗，
我的你，记得做自己想做的，照顾自己，不可以生病，你一定要健健康康
保持健康的身体，能和我活多久，就活多久。这就是我想给你的任务。

我答应你，我不会糟蹋自己，再难等，也会等到你的出现。

以后我会好好的写下想和你说和你分享的，等那一天我们真的在一起了，
那就是我们的对话。

不要觉得我白痴哦，我真的只想你在我身边听我说说，被我关心下，
跟我一起，你会更白目的哈哈哈。

好吧，我会好好的准备考试，
那你也要好好的收拾心情振作起来，让自己开开心心的完成。
然后继续思考你要怎样遇到我！

05072017 1139时 NYP Library LVL 5

message to myself

hey tho, i have nothing to talk about, but just feeling like wanna start typing out what come across.
currently just out my head under in-charge of final year project video filming. it was like director, narrator?  funny thing was just realized been trying hard to work in team.. i mean, ya group work is good, but some how just idea been delivered and no one care about it..or been used to that people need to follow according mine? or either i follow them? its terrible if cant suit myself into others. its like non productive work seh..
its a must to learn listening and thinking whats wrong whats right. and have a good decision making in a rational phase. being a leader i dont think i am that material, but surrender myself to do good my task i will be a good choice of follower or working partner. ha perhaps.

nothing just happen out of the blue, its just my mind shut on so sudden. and lead me to feel overwhelmed. the workloads, the worries, the responsibilities just like mountain that kind can suffocate me.

i have no idea i been put myself in what position, what kind of attitude to making things right and good, but i must make it clear to myself that, i must make some flying color on my task, at least done it perfectly with my best effort.
so dear lee yen ling, u better listen clear now,
now itsnt a game or a dream. u have to take action, and push urself hard and move move move. pls just say no to stop, later, give up or any damn suck words. u have to be the one that u like to put in effort and doing good things, and impressed people that kind.
i never and ever allow u social loafting from ur grp work and either ur video. do something that u want, no something a homework only. do something big!

混乱

世上总有一种感觉就是自己没有，看到别人有就是无限的嫉妒。

没想到我自己也是这样的人而已。

迷失的目标，把我延后得远远的，我跟终点还是越来越远了。
不舍得是止步的人生，
不甘愿的是一成不变的自己，
不争气的是有心无力。

情绪好混杂/
想难过也没有一个目标。

身边突然安静下来。好怪。

最近很多的奇怪想法涌上心头/
像是别人不要的变成我渴望要的。
不可能要得的，我却拼命的想要争夺回来。
自己有的，却想越抓越紧。

混乱。

想要被占据。
想要属于什么的。谁的。

可是为什么我的他不出现？
为什么我没有他的影子。
为什么我没有。

我真的很简单，让他成为我的所有。
我不想要卑微的像猎人寻找猎物。
好奇怪的感觉，觉得自己很不要脸。

我知道她心里会想什么。
因为我是她，我会做一样的事情。
成为别人的猎物。

我妒忌心真的很大，我也快受不了自己了。

一定要

如果没有文字障碍，可以把想说的都一一清晰的说出来
那是多舒服的一件事。

真的是结束了，
旅程真的结束了。
我曾几何时真的很迫切的希望自己可以回家，
我没有对这边很留恋，我真的想家。
可是一起相处的人，却是会被想念的。

从中学毕业以后，
也很少长时间的腻着哥哥，就偶尔做些我们两兄妹做的事
这两个星期，
从他说他包办我的所有，
到看到其实也在用储蓄充实我的生活，
到我觉得自己占据了他很多的自由，
到我觉得自己的出现是多余的，
到我意识到我来台湾的目的没有达到。
到我真的在离开的两天前，已经开始不舍得了。

骑着机车在你背后，我感觉到的是温暖和保护。
你说过保护不是在你面前帮你挡下所有，而是默默在你背后，省略过你从不知道的危险。

这一次我们多了很多很多在一起的回忆，
看到了彼此弱掉的自己，但是也学会克服。


如果这是上飞机前最后可以告诉大家的话，
我想说，我是害怕死亡的人，一个很胆小，和鸵鸟一样怕事的人。
我怕死，因为我真的很多很多以后还没实现。
我还没有做一件我引以为傲的事情，
我还没有交一个我爱却也爱我的人，
我还没有学会爱家人，
我还没有做一个感恩上帝让我做人应该做的事情。

我还没有试过帮助身边的人，让他们真心的笑。

我不想要离开一个我什么都没留下的世界。

我21岁，却越来越转牛角尖，心态越变越糟，得一想二。
处理不好的友情，
越变越糟的家庭关系，
越来越没自我的自己，
最近拍起照，都快发现自己快要连笑也不会了。我的自信去哪儿了。


每一次看到有人离世，当下总会告诉自己要珍惜眼前人。
但永远都只是光说不做。
得过且过。

爱我的人
请你们相信我真的爱你们
我只是不知怎么表达
很感激你们给一个不懂事的我一个任性的机会

虽然你我还没学会成长
但我会努力一步一步改进

我爱你们。
李彦凌，请你要越变越好。
请你做一个你要的自己。

任性也喚醒不了自己

我又任性了一回，可是依然沒有什麼改變。
我依然沒有做任何印象深刻，跨越我底線的一件事。
這個假期說好讓自己過上一個有意義的生活，
於是，工作沒有做，校慶沒有回，錢沒賺，卻開銷更大，
還有很多錯過的事，
少了掃墓的機會，回學校幫忙佈置的機會，膩著哈哈涵的日子
錯過錯過，還錯過繼續健身的機會。

你說來台灣我後悔嗎？
也沒有什麼後悔可言，也許是遺憾吧。
在台灣我的語言能力像下雪一樣的急降，很少接觸人群，
結結巴巴的口吃，看見朋友選擇躲藏而不是打招呼，光明磊落。
全因····自卑。

很多地方，都是舊地重遊。
我們去了很多旅遊勝地，也許可言經過吧。
在我心裡，究竟，在想什麼，這一刻我也停頓了。

我的心情很孤僻。但卻要裝得併不是。
我膽小怕事，很多機會碰也不敢碰。
我過度憂慮，自以為在體諒，但卻在製造麻煩。
我對他人過高要求，卻自我貶低，於是什麼都覺得遇不上對的人。

很久很久以前，我懂愛，但如今卻表達不出。
我自我對話很強，但如今卻無法運用文字將我心打開。
為什麼人人越變越好，我卻越變越糟？
憧憬了更好，換來的卻變成變更好是癡人說夢話/

我不是很愛鼓勵自己的嗎？
為什麼現在只剩下自我貶低？我其實還蠻看不起自己的。
我感覺到自己多麼的像鴕鳥，只會躲，卻不願面對/

究竟何時我會清醒過來？
何時我會努力起來？
何時我才能做我要的自己？
何時我才能勇敢面對，不再膽小怕輸 ？

何時我才不再像那個我討厭的自己。

異常

突然發現自己安靜了好多，異常的安靜、
曾經的多話，曾經的唧唧咋咋，都真的變成曾經了
無論與熟悉的人，或是陌生的人。我是安靜的。

我變了。
很深刻的意識到了。

是內心的們關起來了嗎
想要遇到那個可以聽我說的
首先也得要我能說

我失去了溝通能力，我怯了。
甚至，變鴕鳥了。

我好害怕。真的。因為那不是我，
不，是我，真實的我，但不是那個我要的我。